I'm Not your Bro, Brother

SINGLE WARD OBSERVATION #1: I'll periodically slip in my musing about singleness in the Latter-day Saint community; I've got a lot to say. I've been single for 30 years, and I've lived in several different parts of the country, and no matter where I go, I keep noticing the same trends. To compound the fact, I was called as the RS President (the organization for women 18+) in our young single adult ward. So, I'll admit, I've got women's needs and women's welfare on my mind.

As a disclaimer, I love men; I just do. I think they are wonderful and an awful lot of them try really hard to be good. But at the same time, many of them fall into the same trap: The Hang out trap. You know, the one that we keep hearing about--the one we should avoid. Well, there are several bad habits that lead people to this cycle. I'll discuss one way this cycle starts.

Home Teaching is not being done. But, W, how does that cause the hang out cycle?

I'll answer that question with a scenario: first, let's say a guy moves into the area--he doesn't know anybody. He walks in and sits down in sacrament. You will notice that no man goes up and greets this fellow. However, you will notice that this man is then greeted by an outgoing sister, who notices that he is sitting by himself. Sister starts feeling responsible (and possibly attracted to man) so she starts talking to man at every social function where he stands alone (because another man has still not gone up and talked to him). Meanwhile, the weekend rolls around. Man probably sits home alone for several weekends in a row, because, of course, another man has still not called him or invited him to anything social. So, the man's sole social lifeline remains the sister. Okay, now some analysis. While this scenario will be a little different for every one, what does remain constant is one thing: a man needs other men in his life--people need people who can be their friends it is part of having a healthy social interaction. People need social wingmen--who wants to go to social functions by themselves? In the church, we've devised a wonderful solution to this problem: you are assigned someone to look out for, to fellowship, and provide that basic social foundation for people. Women should be there for other women, and men need to be there for other men. However, if that basic social building-block does not happen, then what does happens is that men form those (much needed) bro-relationships with women, forever locking that girl into bro-mode. Now, guys enjoy being around other guys, enjoying a healthy bro-relationship, but they never date or try to be romantic with other guys because that's not the nature of the relationship. Do you see where I am going with this? If men home-taught each other, living the spirit of the stewardship, and offered friendship to each other wherein offering that much-needed bro-relationship, then that would allow men to mentally begin to think of women romantically and engage with them as beings whom should be dated and not hungout with like a man.

If the hang out cycle begins, it is very difficult to break, both for the man and the woman. For men, they have no incentive to break off this cycle because largely their social network has become a hangout network of women (because once one woman starts interacting with a man in this way, another will follow. It is just a matter of time). For women, it is difficult because they have confused their romantic interest in the fellow with their friendship impulses. Because, deep down, they are hopeful that this will blossom into a relationship and so keep giving this behavior all sorts of positive feedback: we plan; we call; we invite; we listen; we cook; we drive. Of course, all the while, the girl is thinking, "man, how could he not love me?  I've done so many nice things for him and he keeps seeking me out." All the while, the dude is thinking, "I like hanging out with girls; they give me the friendship I need, and they make it so fun and easy to be around."

If we could just not get into this pattern. Men be friends with other men and make sure each other have a good friendship foundation. Women, stop stepping into that buddy role. It doesn't lead to romance. With all your friendship efforts, you are only cementing your place firmly in his mind as just that,"his friend." Rarely does a stalled friendship translate into romance, because a  hang out relationship, in a man's eyes, is a dude's relationship . . . .and you don't want end up being treated like another dude. . . am I right or am I right?

Next time, I will discuss the concept of harem-building. . .W